Self Destruction

I’m pretty awesome in a lot of ways. The Creator was more generous with me than I deserve, obviously, and I think I’ve been a good steward of many of those good gifts. But there’s just a couple that I can’t seem to crest the hill on.

by | Aug 22, 2018 | Freedom |

So, I do this thing sometimes. I deliberately undermine all the progress I’ve made in a certain “good” direction. With lightning speed and scientific precision.  

Some examples. I won’t tell you if they’re real events or just life-like depictions.

I’ll manage to stay on a diet for a week or two. Feeling great. Starting to lose weight. Starting to get some energy. Not so bloated.

Hey, I know. Let’s eat an entire pizza and drink an entire 6-pack of Mountain Dew. That should definitely work. And since we’ve blown it, might as well eat until we’re sick for the entire weekend!

Or I’m working towards a financial goal. I’m paying off debt. I’ve got a couple grand in the bank.

Hey, I know. Let’s buy a $12K privacy fence and put it on a credit card.

I’m not 100% sure what the point is here, other than to just be open about it.

In the Fall of 2016, my buddy and I started a low-carb diet. We crushed it. I lost 40 pounds before we abandoned it. I’ve managed to give back 30 pounds of that progress. In addition to 30 pounds, I’ve also gained back: a backache, ill-fitting clothes, and the self-awareness that I’m fatter than I need to be by at least 30 pounds.

Seems like a bullshit trade to me.

But it’s a trade I make over and over and over and over in so many areas of my life.

Why do I this? Why do we do this over and over?

What is it about getting light-headed tying my shoes that is preferable to the view atop any of the not-really-that-difficult hiking trails within a 2 hour drive of here?

What is it about moving money between bank accounts every Thursday before payday that is more satisfying than the satisfaction of knowing my family is taken care of if I drop dread tomorrow – which, given the whole shoe-tying thing might not be much of a stretch?

I’m not doing that thing Christians are supposed to do. You know the whole, “if you feel good about yourself you’re doing Christianity wrong” thing. The whole “A good Christian is always ready with deep, painful self-observations because piety requires self-loathing” thing.

I hate that thing.

I’m pretty awesome in a lot of ways. The Creator was more generous with me than I deserve, obviously, and I think I’ve been a good steward of many of those good gifts.

But there’s just a couple that I can’t seem to crest the hill on.

And, of course, the stakes are higher now that there’s a little dude watching every move I make. It’s one thing to fail myself. It’s a whole other thing to fail him.

I’ve got to figure this out.

Got any advice? Share any similar struggles? Found any good secrets for overthrowing this body of death? I’m all ears.